jason_michael

I'm taking a break from trying to stay on track with life to write this. I feel for some reason it's imperative to write. These moments right now, that have been happening are altering me as a person. I've been feeling a sort of fulfillment that is like experiencing a permanent form of euphoria. A part of me believes the other night I achieved a tantric moment which furthered into a zen like state. The universe seemed to slow down. I thought after hanging out with Terry all this time that I've grown tolerant to any kind of heightened state of being stoned. Yet somehow after shotgunning one hit of whatever chronic Charlie smokes I was lost in a lucid dream occurring in my regular consciousness, rather than my sub-conscious. I am equally an unable to comprehend the level of intensity I feel when I'm around him. It's like a powerful magnetism. I feel us colliding on something that feels like a spiritual or sub-atomic scale. It's even more fantastical because I know how honest we're being with each other about whatever these feelings are. I have no idea how they came to be, but it's absolutely blowing my mind. Every night I spend with him it's like I keep finding out something new and I want more. We're talking about all these great plans of things we'd like to do together this summer, and although it seems crazy to make plans so prematurely, it's because we really want to experience these things with each other and can't figure out what would make us think otherwise. I've had undying feelings for another person before, but there was always something between us. Suddenly I feel unabashed about having this connection with someone. At the same time, however, I don't know if I want to call it love. Perhaps this is just some kind of infatuation? What if it really is the big four letters though? What if this is what it's really all about? I think about all these people that get married and I can't fathom achieving a point of believing that I'd never get sick of another person and just have this faith in one another and an unparalleled level of intimacy. Suddenly, as if the stars aligned, and the connections I have been making over the past year all led up to this moment, I cataclysmically collided with the person I can't imagine my near future without.

I imagined what I would want out of a guy. I spent the last year being completely unserious with dating because I just wanted to learn. Learn what I didn't want from the world and from love. I met a lot of people I liked and a lot of people I quickly got over, then I came to a conclusion. This dream guy would have to meet the standards of attraction, he would have to be laid back and not overly dramatic, yet at the same time still maintained a personality that would interest me. He'd have to passionate about something in life, and just have a more open mind. Plus, it would be fantastic to meet someone who could hang out with my closest friends and vice versa so we wouldn't have to stretch too far to fit into some persona.

Then out of the void of nothing, like the big bang, space and time being created, he appeared. I can still remember it like a documentary in my head. I just wanted to go have a fun day in the sun drinking with Julianne and Stephers, then with our mutual friends we landed in his back yard where he was playing beer pong. I whispered to Julianne and Steph that either his family was rich and his mommy picked out his clothes, or the boy had way too good an eye for subtle fashion sense to be straight. Somehow with a radar that apparently can detect closeted Russian subs in the Baltic, I found what I had been looking for. Meeting every single thing I've been looking for and blowing all my expectations and simple desires out the window. Those beautiful blue eyes, and his whole demeanor. He came out in December and told me he's been waiting so long he doesn't want to waste another moment worrying about not "just being" so we hold hands and clearly admit our unyielding emotions towards one another in public. Absolutely incredible.

No, this has to be love. I knew I was in love with Chris when he wasn't there and my heart felt torn apart. Tonight is the first time I'm going to be sleeping without being next to Charlie in three weeks and my insides are teeming with life.

Let's hope I can get through these next two weeks, however, after these next two weeks everything is going to be different. A college graduate, and the whole Gunson-Ann-Milford street friend network dynamic will slowly start to dissipate. So I am living for every single moment. This is that happy moment they boast about in movies about the glories of college. I look back and think fondly of the really great moments freshman year partying in the apartment. Drunk weekends my first semester here at state. Sophomore and half of junior year could have been better, but then I slowly started to meet someone of the most amazing people who would truly change my way of seeing life. Life post Michelle Buelow and Terry Wilhelm? Hah.

My life is a house made out of cards. When I rebuild myself someone comes and blows it all down. When I finally block out all sources of threat I manage to Katrina the shit out of someone else's delicately placed stack of symbolic mental stability. I'm still disappointed it didn't work out with Grant because I built human emotions around an unrealistic situation. I tried to forget about everything this spring break. I found myself having my first dream about someone I'm convinced could be the person who spends the rest of their life with me. Then I finally meet up with someone else who has been dying to hang out with me and I spend two nights secured in the arms of someone I get high with and freak out that this could be a really serious unconventional relationship that could develop between us. He is all smiles, I am all panic, I give the watered down version to Jon, and now he wont speak to me. I feel like I just got mowed down in a strip bombing. I'm convinced I did something really wrong in this life. I just want to find one person to be content with for awhile and stop getting hurt. I would also not like to hurt anyone else, I guess I'm responsible too, but wtf? Everyone has baggage because we keep displacing our own on someone else and sometimes we get stuck with multiple peoples missing items. While I'm on the floor looking around for those screws that came lose in the process. People are taking my sanity with them too. We are all just terrified of one another. Is it silly that that is the reason I want to become a doctor? I want to help people, I want them to feel good about themselves, because this is a really fucked up system, we should at least have our health right? So when I'm 30 years old I can be like a majority of homosexual men who are single and as irreparable as the next. I'm only 22, i'm only 22. When people have a mid-life crisis they must really be in a serious crisis. Fuck buying a porsche, why don't they spend all their money trying to fund some science that allows them to go back and try again? A do over please.

I think I have a serious problem that I just fall in some kind of love so easily. I think I have a problem with being on the broken end of a love that was deeper than any fear I've ever had. I want to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and yet I'm so critical of myself in every thing I do. Maybe I've humbled myself into a state of erratic destabilization. My atoms are usurping all over the fucking place, and then getting knocked aside by others even more tumultuous.

Maybe moving out west is the best decision. I can start completely over. Take all this knowledge and past experiences that have formulated me into this crazy state, and blame all my problems on being in a new place rather than all this shit that I freak out about all the time. what?

If things were simpler, would I enjoy them as much? Things have really changed a lot haven't they? It's so sad that I feel like I'm finally coming into myself as an "academic mind" or something and university is almost over. Taking the short term hiatus from science classes and the burden of worrying about how I'll bend time to meet the needs of three different majors that no other student has every done before in one time frame, and there's a reason for that, I was 1. not a genius like George who will be a stellar doctor someday, and 2. I could never give anything 100%. Time is such a precious thing really. My mind has been expanding and contracting trying to uncover some greater truths. I'm slowly starting to find a field of study that I've been searching for since freshman year, and it's almost over? Can't I just be paid to read lots of Japanese authors? Reconstructing the building of imperial history in my mind, post-industrial empires, and collapsing into the post-modern psyche. Where do we go from here? Shall we submerge beneath the veil of technology to express ourselves and feel at ease? It's almost funny that the key to saving the planet that we ravaged with modern industrialization must be fixed with technologies that are still concepts on paper. I am but one person who just happened to appear at mankind's entrance into his own charted new century. Lately I've been considering seriously that I want to be an author, writing stories is one thing I've been good at since I was little. I never wrote anything and submitted it to any big awards or anything like that, but I know it's entirely possible, however, the question is, how do I as a future writer break into the post-modern human psyche and make some sort of difference? I want to write everything, political pieces, human interest pieces, fiction, non-fiction, fantasy, sci-fi, really glamorous blurbs in fashion magazines, like can we bring back really immaculate baroque clothing for men? I really think it'd be something to dress in knee high leather boots, tight pants, and a master crafted napolean-esque jacket. (very much like Dolce & Gabbana's fall 2006 looks, gosh I was in heaven) In fact, if I ever were to get married, I'd want it to be like some giant banquet that would take place in the Hall of Mirrors and everyone would dress like that.

I tried out for the speech contest this past Friday was it? Yes and I realized how incredibly far I have to go to be able to listen and read Japanese like a real professor. My nose was stuffed from some sort of sinus infection and Endo commented on how I pronounced certain words like a person from Nagoya. I've never been to Nagoya. Curious. Still. I think something very peculiar happened to me that night. I loved and hated everything that I was doing. Maybe it stems from being broken up with two nights before over the reasoning of differences. Despite seemingly like it came out of nowhere with little prompt, it made a lot of sense, but I've never felt so on my own after that night, in a completely new light. I wasn't just alone in the sense that I'm convinced it's going to be very difficult to find someone and have a relationship with them that makes sense. However, it was this thought I was left with, that there really isn't anyone else out there who has the really bizarre interests that I have academically and recreational wise. I can't really explain it myself, why I'm compelled to learn other languages that are made up of symbols on paper, why I'm enchanted by what I find a really grand history, why I like certain authors, why I'm doing any of this. Maybe I'm not as alone as I think but the only professors I meet who share similar interests are completely insane and I think they're really quite awful teachers despite how intelligent they are. I'm too vein to date someone substantially older than me. Maybe I'll meet some genius that will make me feel really humbly and I'll settle for being a housewife. There isn't shit wrong with that. Now I'm in limbo. I had a meeting with my professor to fix my speech to fit the time constraints for the competition, and as we were editing it I found so many things lost in translation, and furthermore, so many things I wanted to express and convey chipped away. I wanted to cry in her office because I really wanted to make a difference with this speech. I felt like it was my duty after my internship to convey the needs and concerns of all the medical staff that I worked closely with. I wanted to have their influence in the paper, and express to a wider Japanese audience how wonderful things work in their system and how other areas are in need. I feel like the core theme is still there after it was cut down from a 8 minute speech to five, but it's not the same. I almost feel guilty letting down people down. It's certainly how really sincere politicians must feel. Getting elected and having the desire and passion to help those they got elected for, and then when they're thrown into the world of constraints and requirements they are shaken down of the specifics they wanted to address in the first place, and have to work in a general matter.

This past weekend I made a breakthrough in my own way of thinking, and flaws in how I experience the world. I think I'm too attached to things, and act way too shocked when periods of time come to end. My life is very fluid and constantly changing, so it's silly that I'm so built up to my attachments when they are not only not practical for my situation, but nonsensical to any situation. It may sound really buddhist of me, but I guess I feel maybe I'm too connected to certain things in a bad way. When something ends I should be happy and excited for what's next to come and remember things with fond memory. I found myself grieving over this idea of everything changing, I wouldn't get to be with Grant anymore and have all the fun I was having. I had to detach myself from the loss of not getting to sleep next to him and focus on what this meant for me now, what I had to focus on to still be happy in his absence. It's strange that he decided he made a mistake and wanted us to be something again, but certainly this decision he has made has really made things far more complex than they should have been. I think if we would have discussed it and made a decision it would have gone a lot smoother and we'd still be having lots of fun, but it indeed changed. Now I don't know where we are. I suddenly feel like I'm either trying to hard to be really nice and genuine even though I really mean it because I do really like him as a person, or that there's some new wall built between us because we broke up. The goal of breaking up was just that, to break down walls, and now I fear we're inevitably doomed. We'll be unable to find a common ground because he gave up when he had a few second thoughts. I'm sticking with it though with the hopes that it will again change and surprise me like it did in the past. I wasn't sure in the beginning if we'd workout because we were really different, but it turned out I really ended up appreciating him a lot and adoring him quite a bit more. Perhaps time will show us something new, and if not the worst that can happen is that we break up for good. I've already made peace with the fact that things aren't going to be as happy and carefree as they were when we first started dating so it's silly to try and push us back into that image. Just go with it.

I just hope if the day comes I am strong enough. No child is happy to hear their mother confess that for the first time they're really scared about what their outcome of life is going to be. When she goes to bed at night and wakes up in the morning, or sits in that waiting room, I can't imagine what goes through her mind. I'm living a young and somewhat carefree life, how could I? There's not escaping this. I'm very grateful for the fact that my family has health insurance. Apparently one genealogical test costs 32,000 dollars. Just to let my family know that we are now all carries of a cancer gene. Now that 3 out of 4 of my grandparents have had it and now my mother, how do I react? This thing, this disease that is just tiny unspecified cells is infecting my world. Maybe that's a disgusting irony. Maybe as an author in the future that's what I can confront. That the fear of death is a concept as old as the birth of writing, but that suddenly I have to face a truly modern cause.

It's funny that I ended up really liking Natsume Souseki by the end of this project I hated doing. I feel I can relate to him and his work on so many different levels. It makes me weirdly happy on a strange level. I feel like I'm part of a greater consciousness, if he is the most revered writer in Japan, and people truly appreciate him, then they must have some connection to what he is writing about, maybe in the way I do. Maybe this is why I am drawn to Japan.

Leaving Japan has been bitter sweet. I'm jet lagged of course. I haven't slept, then I'll sleep for an hour here and there. My dreams are like ones seen behind broken glass. They're not relaxing and paralleling with normal REM sleep waves. Jilted and waiting for it all to be settled. Being home means I can finally get good deep sleep again.

I miss everyone I met in Japan. A week at the hospital was far too short. My host family was incredible, the people I met at the hospital remarkable. I've never been so inspired in my life. I met a surgical nurse whose English was impeccable; she's only 24 and an amazing role model. I have to send her an e-mail tomorrow and thank her. I have a lot of work ahead of me to get where she's at. I saw at least 8 different surgeries. I got to watch less than a foot away as people cleansed semi-lifeless bodies and stuck things into them to change their lives forever. Open heart, knee surgery, ear canal, a newborn's abnormal spine, and everything else that could leave nothing more to the imagination of what's really inside the human body. I was fascinated, craved more. I wanted to be a part of it all. I knew this is what I wanted to do. I wanted to be here and be apart of the instruments and artistry of putting all the pieces together that would make someone better. I still have a great deal of interest in natural medicine, and I wonder if some day I'd want to pursue holistic medicine. The first thing though is to study really hard this semester and get really really good at both languages. I bought a big anatomy book to start learning Japanese in a whole new light. I found a website that has phrases to use in hospitals and surgeries. I want to be that person in the OR. I want to be the person making a difference in making someone better. I bought books in Japanese to start reading. One was a Murakami novel that I have in English and I want to see the side by side comparison of my own mental image and translation from the original text to the one that's redistributed in English. Kafka on Shore is becoming one of my favorite novels, and Murakami one of my favorite writers. Putting a mysterious unexplained yet understood environment in every world he creates really challenges the conventional way of thinking about writing.

My host mom, who felt more like a big sister when I left was really incredible to talk to. We would have long conversations at night about politics, and peoples, and society. She would help me with my Japanese studies and she said I inspired her to study more too. Her husband was fun, charming, and although simple in some ways, I understand how perfectly they fit together as a couple. It's really love. A real family. Their son is absolutely the cutest thing. I got really attached to him, attached to his climbing all over me and making train sounds with him. I was not ok leaving and waving goodbye to them on the train to the airport. Crying over Evan leaving was enough.

My mother being rushed to the ER in the middle of the night.

I haven't slept still. The hours creep by. I want to go up north, but not yet. I want to see everyone here, and just settle back in. Then go up there and relax, detox and read like never before. I have to finish all my work for my independent study as well. My mom isn't sleeping.

I'm not going to fall back into old habits. I'm not going to get sucked back into old ways of thinking. It's time to take everything I gained from this trip and put it into use now that I'm back. That's the rest of the battle. I am going to attain these goals that I really set and desire out of life.

I still have this feeling we'll work out someday. I think it may take a long while, but I do think about him enough to know it's not just something in passing. Maybe we'll see it when were playing pool, or maybe I'll see it when he's teaching me guitar, maybe he'll see it when I tell him the deeper workings of how I come to understand the universe. Maybe we'll never speak to each other again. I miss that freckled smile.

Moving was not a pleasant ordeal. For not sleeping for over 24 hours I kept it really cool without snapping. I came really close a few times. The room I'll be in the next year though is perfect though. Big windows, a nice layout for my things, and a secret back door to the outside world! I think I'm going back this weekend to set up my new bed and put everything away. I do feel bad I'm not putting away all my kitchen things, but I was in no mood to put up with disrespectful attitudes and messes that I was 3 months past having any part in making. I met with Michelle for food and got the run down. My brother had to drive me home so I wouldn't pass out behind the wheel. A nap has led into being up til 4am. I think I'm tired again though.

Seeing Chelsea finally before she goes back to California. Seeing whoever I can before the summer is gone.
Trip to roadtrip to see other Chelsea is in order for next week I think.

ps- Fuck you Detroit Metro Airport. 2 hours in baggage claim waiting for the luggage to reappear from the plane as six other planes are unloaded and go by. Freedom was a customs counter away. So pissed.

hah remember when we were listening to chimes, and keyboards, and trumpets, and vocals, you turned and held up your finger, 'this is the #1, my favorite' you mouthed. I felt a true moment selfless happiness for you.

I have to wake up in less than 12 hours and get on a train to go to my homestay. I'm freaking out about life. This is it. This is it. I met a ton of really cool Japanese people tonight. My Japanese really isn't that bad as Nishikawa has convinced me tat I am. I can have good conversation with less strict, creative Japanese people/musicians. That's the life I want to live. Was given free Santory whiskey to polish off my two large, very large beers.

Fuck. I just talked to Jake, they made it to Tokyo. Evan is sleeping. I miss him so much, it hurts. Falling this hard is rough.

It's so over. I'm completely ecstatic I wont have to go through these lame classes everyday anymore. No more killing myself for the next days class and for tests that I'm fated not to pass. I ended on a very sour note with Nishikawa. I was really not happy with her being my teacher. I think she's phenomenally intelligent at her mastery of English and Japanese. She's rather strange in her ways, and I wonder how she interacts with the rest of the staff. I did not write her a very good response. I filled the page with how disappointed I was in this class. Mainly because she taught in such an inclusive way and was not very helpful with me or my situation from the beginning. I think she was genuinely upset about the whole situation though. She told Evan that she will definitely be changing her teaching style for next time. Which I guess is good, but shitty we couldn't get any benefits from it.

Aside from class which sucked the life out of 85% of our time here, I met some of the most amazing people and had tons of fun on the weekends. Zoe, George, Jake, Emma, Sevan, Jesse, Kayla, and of course Evan. We all had so much fun, got on each others nerves, but were always there for each other to console in. It was such a great support system and we found so many endearing factors within each one of us. I'm really going to miss having such a close group of friends that I can just be really silly and have lots of innocent fun with so nearby. That's the kind of things that I don't want to end.

The worst part of today was, and I knew it was coming, was the fact that Evan was leaving early with the Wendt's to go to Tokyo. It was a really hurried and shitty send off. I went straight to go deal with other matters as soon as they left, but as I was about to enter my room Zoe caught me and asked, "are you ok?" "yeah...you know..." Ten seconds later as I walked into my room I almost couldn't turn my music on fast enough. I just lost it. I'm going to miss him so much. I've never in my life gotten so close to someone in such a short period of time. These past two weeks we all of a sudden got surprisingly close. We would hang out all the time, sometimes just the two of us. We would talk about anything and everything and the last two days we even got on the topics of serious issues and family related things. He told me though, two weeks ago, that his answer for me was no, so I didn't try anything. Made vague references in my tiny goodbye letter I sent him before bed last night. Of course I want to hand write him something really big. Tonight there's a big fireworks festival and it's really going to suck without him. I really just wanted to leave Japan, and I was trying to be optimistic about my upcoming internship, but, it's never going to be the same. I'll never be able to see him everyday again. Its such a shitty shitty realization. Sure we'll be friends and hangout and I'll see him in Ann Arbor, but it's never going to be like how it was here. Studying all day next to each other and lounging in the tv room after the lights get turned off. If nothing really does come from it I guess it's for the best. I'm so attracted to him it's unbearable. He's an intellectual challenge, a phenomenal artist, comes from an amazingly interesting background, how nerdy and true to himself he is, is what really gets me. Chris always seemed like he was hiding things from me. He was hiding a side of himself and always had emotions and feelings he refused to discuss with me, so it was such a nice change to meet someone who can be a lot more honest with you and you with them.

Gosh I hate this feeling I have. I always use to get it when I was kid at family reunions at the end. I didn't want to leave my cousins and my aunts because I was always so happy to be around so many people. Sure I get to go back to comfort zone, but seperation feeling to the worst degree.

It'll definitely be hard now. Evan and I had a long talk last night. It's still very undecided, I mean no, it is decided, but it's a decision that has a slight chance or glimmer of hope which naturally has me holding on. I like him a lot, so its strange, when we hang out things are just a lot better here, and I'm finding myself telling him more and more about myself and things I don't tell other people. It's just a strange situation because he's never done anything with anyone, never dated anyone, he's not a very physical person. He told me he's not sure if he likes me like that, he tries to think about it but maybe something is stopping him from thinking like that. It really is super complex, but for now he can't grasp the situation like that and were just taking things in as friends. I feel for him a lot because this situation must be very shocking for him. My head is constantly spinning, to like someone like this who enjoys hanging out with you, but it just can't work right now. My life is a sticky situation. I would just die to sit next to him on the beach here, in Japan. I told him I wanted to kiss him really bad, I don't know how he took it.

I want to be super selfish. I just went through a year of hell over someone who used me, hurt me, and continued a course of not giving a shit about me. So great, I'm this bigger stronger person, can I at least get one great thing back now? Life without adversity is boring, no one in the world gets that more than me, but I want to be childish and kick and scream. I just want it to happen. Why? Why do I need him like that? I enjoy so much being around him, why can't that just be enough? Why do I have to be a corrupting force that needs physical entanglement in order to feel satisfied with being close to someone. Who knows maybe this is another worldly path of getting close to someone in a new way, which leads to a becoming close with a person on a completely new level.

I can't wait to be done with this place, but I'm scared of how it will be when we go back. I hope we still are friends. We've made plans to see the castle and go to ninja village together. We made plans when we get back to hang out I guess. He'll teach me guitar, I'll show him the college life he's missing out on.

I'm in the weirdest state of mind now. I have so much focus though, about myself, my goals, what I really want to do this school year. I want to enjoy things to the fullest, I need to spend all my time becoming good at Chinese and Japanese and get prepared for life post graduation, but not forget this is my last fucking year as a college student. Terrifying! I have more school ahead of me, I have more life to live. I'm not going to waste it. I'll take some me time, but no more sitting in my room sulking. God, enough of that. Can I stop growing up now please?

Last night. Last night was so...how do I explain it? It carried into a fear this morning, that everything would be different. How would we carry on? Secrets revealed, depths into our true selves exposed. Then it all went back to what it's supposed to be like. Because if I'm reading the signs correctly, this all means something.

I'm in Japan. I'm in a place that is changing my life and my mind. Although my Japanese isn't really improving and I feel very poorly towards JCMU and it's overall program. I am attaining incredible things done outside of the Japanese classes. The people here have made me smile so genuinely. It'll be really strange to leave it behind. I've got to show different sides of myself to these people because they're all very eccentric, nerdy, and high spirited. I'm glad I explored some of Japan on my own, but exploring it with these friends has been really incredible. It's honestly a shame I don't write down every occurrence, because all the small details are really fantastic. The places, the sounds, the smells, it's a sensory dream. Standing in the middle of a road that crosses between rice fields, after the rain, everything is green, the mountains behind me. It's surrealism, I was walking in a piece of art. He was there, they were there. It was some kind of sobering beauty.

"I don't know" But you do know something. You do, you really do. I'm going to be patient. We'll get through this together, because, fuck, when is the last time I got along with someone so well? Having an honest/compatible interpersonal relationship with another male is difficult to come by for me. Having that and being completely enamored of you.
Tomorrow we're seeing a concert together and going to the Louvre exhibit in Kyoto. There's honestly nothing else I'd rather be doing. We finished all our homework for tomorrow, today so that we could enjoy ourselves tomorrow.

Aside from shitty shitty class. I am dancing. It's too bad Japan has to come to an end. It is getting rather expensive, and I miss people from back home. Plus if things work out here, it'll work there too.

I'm falling for you really hard. I'd rather not fall flat on my face. At least I'll get a really amazing friend out of this. Come on Japan work your magic.

I'm imploding. How many times this trip am I going to be a train that runs into a wall at full speed. When do I get to stop have the feelings that, "I can't do this anymore."
Shit is falling down. I love this country but I need to get out of here.